The Pain of Adolescence

Laurie L. Assadi, M.A., Ed.S.

I experienced the heartbreak today of attending the funeral for a 19 year-old child who was killed in a car accident where alcohol was involved. The pain etched on the faces of the parents, siblings, and young friends who milled through the funeral home was both striking and bone chilling. All three teenagers involved in the accident are basically “good kids” who were in the process of growing up, figuring out what life held for them, and maturing into, I’m sure, fine adults. At least one of them will never have the chance to do this and the lives of the other two families are forever altered.

As a parent of two children, ages 22 and 18, and a psychologist who works with children and teenagers on a daily basis, I was left with feelings of overwhelming sadness and indescribable grief. There is also a tangible sense of frustration that we cannot lessen the pain that some of our teenagers experience, hasten the healing process of whatever life has handed them thus far, and lend them our optimism that they will “make it.”

The kids I have worked with over the last thirteen years (including my own) have given me innumerable treasures without even realizing it. They have taught me to respect them, even when they are acting disrespectfully. They have shown me how to love them when they act so unlovable. They have allowed me to care for them when they do not care about themselves. They have tentatively accepted my optimism in spite of their own overwhelming pessimism. And they have allowed me to embrace their successes, their failures, and their hearts at times when they want to shut everybody else out.

In spite of all this, one burning question is asked over and over: Will they learn from this? Will they think twice before numbing themselves with alcohol or street drugs? Will these teenagers, so devastated today, take this lesson with them tomorrow? The adults respond with forced hopefulness, the kids with pessimism. As one answered, “How many (friends) do we have to lose? We’ve lost so many already and still we haven’t learned.”

Perhaps we, as adults, have to also “learn a lesson.” Instead of talking at our children about “making choices,” perhaps we are the ones who have to make different choices. We can choose to accept them and love them in spite of their mistakes, their poor judgment, and their “underachievement.” We can choose to listen to them, problem solve with them, and allow them to make the same mistakes we did so they can also experience the same triumphs and disappointments we have. In spite of our best efforts, we cannot protect our children from poor choices or life-altering mistakes, as this most recent tragedy affirms. In fact, I’m not sure that is our primary job.

In think we have a greater, more difficult obligation to our children, one that will better prepare them to learn from the mistakes they will invariably make. We spend a lot of our efforts teaching “consequences” by punishing undesirable behavior and rewarding desirable behavior. But what if we are not dealing with a “behavior”? What if we are unknowingly being confronted with a lack of self-regard and self-worth that is anchored in depression? A pessimism rooted, perhaps, in academic and social failure but then taking on a life of its own and seeping into their very future? Beyond seeing and feeling consequences, kids have to care enough about themselves to care about the consequences. When this self-care and self-regard are lacking, so also is their motivation to control impulses (a difficult job for any teenager) which will then result in better judgment. We need to be aware of the impact of their depressive thinking, their “moodiness,” and their sense of hopelessness and despair.

In this case, the larger task for us is to respect them even when they act disrespectfully. To love them, even when they act so unlovable. We must care about them even more when they do not care about themselves. And we must give freely of our optimism in the face of their pessimism.

For more information, go to http://www.laurieassadi.com. She has also recently published a book on childhood mood disorders, Waking from the Nightmare: Giving our children Optimism.