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Parenting Teens with ADHD Made Simple
by Mary Fowler; Article excerpts
from the March/April 2002 issue of ADDitude Magazine
Teens. One minute they love you. They want your input and guidance.
Next minute, they’re super critical and act as if you’re an idiotic
dork. They want you to be there, but only when they think they need
you. They can’t figure out why you don’t know when to butt out! You
can be so stupid, not to mention unfair and out to ruin their lives.
Despite what they may say, adolescents want parents in their lives
and care about what you think. Input and boundaries provide security
and fewer freedoms to master at one time. As teens mature, they must
take on added responsibilities. Parents need to know when to let go
and when to pull in the reins – a tall order made even more
challenging by AD/HD.
Teens with AD/HD don’t necessarily require different parenting, just
more of it from skilled parents. Most parents can slip by with
occasional sloppiness, but not with AD/HD in the picture.
Parenting by Drowning
University of Massachusetts researchers identified four strategies
parents fall into which may fuel ADHD behavior problems. Rather than
using thoughtful, planned responses, the parents seem to drown in
emotion. They take action based on their feelings at the moment,
which may have nothing to do with the teen.
All talk, no action means parents yell, scream, argue, threaten, and
use voice escalation as discipline, but do not follow through with
consequences.
Tit for tat means the teen determines the parent’s behavior. If the
teen is civilized, then so is the parent. If the teen is bitchy, the
parent gets ugly.
Be nice and forget grows out of tit for tat. Tired of getting into
snarls, the parent disengages. This “whatever” attitude is a poor way
to deal with important issues and conflicts.
Russian roulette means parents inconsistently use harsh or extreme
discipline, mainly when they’ve had enough. Then, kaboom!
Mindful Parenting
Nothing fancy, just 10 simple, time-honored, effective principles
that get emotions out of the picture and the thinking, reasonable
brain into it.
1) The peace pilgrim: Not to strict or too lenient. Use problem
solving and negotiation to give everyone input and responsibility.
Identify the problem, brainstorm solutions, write down who agrees to
do what, try, evaluate, redesign as needed.
2) A time to speak: Let emotional over-ages soothe down before
communicating. Listen more than you speak. Be brief and be gone.
3) United we stand: Both parents are on the same page and support
other. (Stops manipulation and pitting parents against each other so
the teen does what he or she pleases.)
4) Plan ahead: Know which issues matter, don’t matter, and are
non-negotiable. Discuss them and your expectations – and have preset
consequences.
5) I’ll think about it: four little words to tone down the “have to
have an answer right away” mode.
6) Eyes wide shut: Homes become combat zones when parents get on the
teen for everything. Ignore minor misbehaviors.
7) Don’t beat a dead horse: If the teen has already paid handsomely
by a natural consequence or by someone else’s input (police, teacher,
coach), ask yourself, “Is another consequence needed or am I just
ticked and out for vengeance?”
8) Roving eye: Ignore “you don’t trust me” protests. Monitoring is a
parent’s job. Expect flak. Don’t take it to heart.
9) Network: To know what’s going on in your teen’s world, step into
it. Go to events. Talk to other parents.
10) Eyes light up: When your teen walks through the door, do your
bark or smile? Let your eyes fill with light and your words be loving
and courteous. Let issues wait a moment.
Writer, educator and advocate Mary Fowler is author of “Maybe You
Know My Kid,” and “Maybe You Know My Teen.” Visit ADDitude on the web
at additudemag.com for more parenting principles.
© 2002, ADDitude Magazine |
